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It's in the stars....

I pretty much ALWAYS think we're going to crash. Not when we're cruising at altitude or sitting at the gate mind you but every landing and maybe even some takeoffs. It's not that I think the pilots lack the ability or experience. Nor do I think our maintenance team is sub par. However, in my Big Purple Book of Astrology it says that 'I will most likely die in a fiery explosion while traveling'. I've looked and it doesn't say that for any other sign. There may be a time, when the whole entire plane is (enter astrological sign here) and we are pretty much doomed! So, in the meantime, I prepare myself. If it's a cold locale, I put on my jacket. I don't want to freeze while screaming and frantically pushing passengers onto the slide do I? No, I do not. I know that the aircraft will most likely explode thus warming me to an extent. But that is not a guarantee, so I wear my jacket. I think of what I am going to do should the landing be not quite right and I hear screeching metal, people screaming and then that eery dead silence.... the porthole window they give us is my biggest challenge. We were trained to assess the conditions. Smoke, fire or obstruction? Don't open it. Danger. Go the other way. Well, I can hardly see out the window in the best of conditions, I would have a hard time seeing a flaming Ricky Martin waving at me 3 inches in front of the window!! I'll just open it a hair to see. What's the worst that could happen? Then there's the little game of what do you take? The first aid kit for sure. Then maybe some oxygen, being careful not to chuck the pressurized canisters out the door. A megaphone for shouting commands. How about some alcohol? Surely someone is going to need their wound cleaned out? Do I waste time searching for my cell phone? Probably not. There's a hundred people on the ground taking pics with their phones for facebook. Which is most likely the reason we crashed in the first place!! After that, if I have time, I think of who needs me. Wheelchair passengers? Unaccompanied minors? Visually challenged? Republicans? If they irritated me in some way during the flight they are on their own. If not, I WILL HELP THEM OFF! You can count on me. Unless of course, the smoke is too thick, the fire is too hot or the water is too deep. Then I grab the liquor and VAMINOS!!

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